One-liners

1. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
2. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
3. Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn’t do. What was that?My homework!
4. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
7. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
8. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
9. Gravity always gets me down.
10. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
11. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
12. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
13. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
14. What's another word for Thesaurus?
15. To be intsoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
16. I doubt, therefore I might be.
17. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
18. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
19. If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
20. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
21. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
22. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
23. When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
24. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
25. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!
26. Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
27. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."